And Marriage Happens

Marriage - It's A God Thing

"A good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude.  Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side-by-side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against a wide sky."  
                                                                      – Rainer Maria Rilke

Sometimes it can seem that God’s calling is beyond our reach.  When we look at our lives and the struggles of our marriage we do not see how we can possibly be this unified couple who are truly living in Holy Matrimony.  For some of us we realize that our spouse is just not meeting our needs.  In laster posts we are going to deal with the concept of what it is we want from our marriages.  Sometimes our needs are not being met because our spouse is unable or unwilling to meet them.  When that happens I would suggest you seek help from your Pastor or perhaps even a professional marriage counselor.  Yet I have noticed that often times our needs are not being met because our needs are not reasonable.  In the lessons and exercises that we will be exploring during this blog we will look at how we can bring our desires for marriage in line with what can be considered a God honoring and honest agenda.

For others of us we find the struggle towards marital unity to be blocked by the poor communication we share in our marriages.  So many times one spouse or the other will declare that “she just doesn’t listen to me” or “he won’t tell me what he is feeling.”  Many of our problems in marriage can be worked through when we learn to communicate with each other in a Godly fashion.  We will be exploring together what it means to have open communication that it positive, productive and powerfully clear.  We will explore together Godly communication.

Ultimately marriage will have times when conflict will arise, and when those times happen we will wonder if it is even plausible that God could expect unity from us.  In our journey together we are going to explore how we can go about seeking Godly and loving resolution to our struggles in marriage.  Marital discord does not have to sever a relationship.  It does not have to become a thorn in the side of your efforts at unity.  Our God is a God of peace and in Him we can find the strength and ability to work through those issues that arise.  Can we solve every disagreement?  No, but we can find unity in the midst of our struggles.

I have come to believe that the key to understanding how to have this Holy Matrimony is found in the relationships that we looked at earlier.  The four relationships that we find in every marriage; the internal relationship with self, the horizontal relationship with our spouse, the vertical relationship we share with God, and the shared, or triune, relationship we as a couple have with God, are the key to being able to find marital unity in the midst of our horizontal struggles.  How we relate to each of these relationships will shape our marriages completely.  So, before we can go on to exploring our wants in marriage, or communication, or conflict resolution, we need to understand how these relationships can be healthy and enable us to grow in Holy Matrimony.  Remember, your marriage can be all that it is meant to be – after all, marriage is a God thing.

And God Said (part 3)

A Statement of Relationship

Where the first of our three statements dealt with our identity as being in God’s image and the second statement had to do with God’s observation concerning man’s need and His design for fulfilling that need; the third statement by God has to do with how this couple should relate to each other.  Ask yourself this question: how do you relate to your spouse?  Are they your best friend?  Perhaps they are your lover and not much else.  Maybe your marriage is one of convenience or forced need.  When you married your spouse were you looking for someone just like your mom and dad?  Or, for that matter, maybe you wanted someone nothing like your parents.  How we perceive the relationship we should have with our spouse is inevitably going to either enhance or deteriorate our ability to find a marriage that is holy before God. 

In this passage we see God making a three point statement.  I would point out to you that these three statements are much like a cake.  When I was in college I decided to bake a cake one day.  The thing about me is that I really do not like butter, so I left that ingredient out.  I did not know about alternatives, I just simply left out the ingredients I did not like.  Needless to say the cake was very dry.  I discovered that the ingredients are there for a reason, and even though we may not always like the elements on their own, what they form is another matter altogether.  You see, I have eaten cakes that other people have made.  They used butter, yet I never even noticed the ingredient because of how it fit into the whole.  The three elements of this statement of relationship are all necessary if we are going to have the unified relationship that is Holy Matrimony.  So let’s look at these three elements.

Leave Father And Mother – Have you ever known a couple who seemed to have in-law issues?  Perhaps I should rephrase that question to ask if you know anyone who has not had in-law issues.  From Fathers that seem to make it their goal to protect their little princess to Mothers who do not believe that anyone is good enough for their son, in-law troubles have plagued marriages for millennia.  I mean, we can’t help it if we are close to our parents.  So, where do we draw the line?

In this passage the word for “leave” carries with it the concept of a loosening or even relinquishing of the relationship with our parents.  When you choose to give yourself in marriage God’s expectation of you is that your spouse will become the central person in your life.  They become your “next of kin,” and your parents cease to be in that role.  Marriage is hard enough without your parents trying to tell you how to do it.  Remember that when they came together they represented two unique individuals who were trying to fit together.  Their uniqueness is not yours.  What worked for your parents will not necessarily work for you.  You are charged to place the relationship with your parents on a back burner to the one you share with your mate.  If we cannot leave father and mother behind then we will never be able to truly join with our spouse.  This brings us to our next point.

Joined To Spouse – What comes to mind when you hear the phrase “to be joined” with someone?  For me the imagery is anywhere from choosing to “join” a team to gluing something together with a solid mixture of epoxy.  Both of these pictures are accurate ways to describe this phrase.  We will speak further about this in a future post, but let me introduce you to the idea of joining your spouse.  The phrase “to join” can also be interpreted as being “to cleave.”  The Hebrew word used here literally means to cling to, or to adhere to, your spouse.  And you will never be able to cling to them if you do not make the choice to move towards that relationship.  When I join a team I make a commitment to do my part.  When I adhered myself to my wife I made the choice and commitment to be a part of her.  By letting go of the other relationships that can hinder marital unity, and then by choosing to be joined to my spouse I made it possible for us to become one.  This brings us to our next concept, and perhaps the most challenging of all.

Two Become One Flesh – Now here is both an easy thing to do, and at the same time a difficult challenge.  In Scripture the concept of “one flesh” is used to describe the act of sexual intercourse.  Jesus even said that when two people have sexual relations they become one flesh.  From that point of view it is easy to become one flesh with our spouse, or anyone else for that matter.  So, if that were all that “one flesh” meant, then why is such a big deal made about it in all those counseling books and sermons?  That brings us to this challenge: as husband and wife we are two complementary beings brought together to meet the need for companionship and who share a call to become one unified being called “marriage.”  Marriage is a living breathing thing that needs to be fed and nurtured to survive, and can bring with it great joy and fulfillment.

 "Don’t marry someone you can live with.

Marry someone you cannot live without."  – Josh McDowell

      The word used in this text for “becoming one” can carry with it some very telling meanings.  One of these meanings is to be united.  To be united is not only to be combined into one, but it also means to be in agreement and harmony.  Now think about that for a moment, a couple actually being in harmony?  Wow!  And yet, there it is, God telling us to be in harmony with one another.  It kind of goes against all those awesome fights and arguments we have so long enjoyed.  But yet, we are called on to be one, united with our spouse.
    
A second meaning for the word used for one could also be that they are “altogether,” which is another interesting word.  The word can be defined as being entirely or utterly together.  Too many homes find the spouses living separate lives (we will get to that later in our journey together) and not really having a shared identity.  The couple that is altogether in their unity, or oneness, will be considered as a whole when their lives are viewed.  As my wife and I grow in our relationship I find myself wanting to be with her; I want to let others know she is my wife; and I also want to share all I have with her.  I find myself wanting to be altogether her husband.  It is not easy and it takes work, but it is also possible; for if it were not possible then God would be asking the impossible, and with God nothing is impossible (a sentiment we will re-emphasize over and over again). [Luke 1:37]

As we travel down the road to being a marriage that represents God's design we must never forget these three simple statements from God.  Both male and femal were created in God's image, so have value and should treated that way.  We are created to need relationships, with the greatest and first of those horizontal relationships created by God being the one with your spouse.  And thirdly, to fulfill that relationship that God has created you for you must become joined to your spouse, one flesh, heart and spirit.  It is only together that you will truly see the wonder of God's blessings on your marriage.

And God Said (part 2)

A Statement of Need

In our last post we explored the fact that God created us in His image.  We looked briefly at how that translates into how we should look at and treat our spouse and the marriage bond we are in.  In this post we are going to look at a second statement that God mad in Genesis which relates directly to your marriage relationship.

Much has been said about being married versus being celibate, or single.  It must be noted that there are people who God has given the gift of celibacy in order for them to be able to focus their full attention on Him.  But with that said, God’s original design for mankind was not so.  God designed each of us for relationships.  And He especially ordained the relationship between a husband and wife.  In the "Eigth Chapter" of our journey together we will look at the concept of what it means to be “complete.”  Can we find ourselves being made complete in our spouse?  Or, do we find completion only in Christ, and then in our spouse find something different?

In Genesis 2:18 we find God making what is essentially an observation concerning man’s need, and how God intended to fulfill that need.  God stated that it was not a good thing that man was alone.  This word alone carries with it the imagery of someone who is sitting apart from others in a state of isolation.  After God had made the observation He proceeded to march past Adam all the animals.  Adam identifies each animal and gives it a name of identity.  In the midst of this God reiterates that in all of creation there was not one being that could meet this need to ending man’s isolation or loneliness.

At this point, let me remind you that God and Adam had an intimate relationship.  They walked and talked together in the Garden.  God met Adam’s every physical need.  There was food in abundance, and a sense of purpose given to man as he cared for God’s creation.  Yet, even in the midst of this vertical relationship with God, man was still alone.  For you see, even though we are created in the image of God we are not equal with God.  My wife and I were discussing recently the passage from Isaiah 6 when the prophet went into the Temple and beheld the glory of God.  His magnificence and glory are beyond description.  When in His presence we are overwhelmed with the God who could speak a word and a universe come into existence.  However close Adam and God were, they were still separated by this one simple fact: man will never be on equal footing with God.  We can have a personal and vibrant relationship with Him but we cannot equal Him.

So what was God’s solution?  He would make for Adam “a helper comparable to him.”  God was going to provide for man a wife.  I find it of special note that in all of the creation narrative this is the first time that God identifies a specific need and moves to fulfill that need.  The first need God actively engaged in meeting was marriage.  Now that is a God thing.  So let’s look a bit more closely at this move God made to meet the need we have built into us for relationships.  In the text God uses a word which can be translated to mean a counterpart.  I find this quite interesting in that a counterpart carries with it two important meanings.

Similar Function – One of the definitions of a counterpart describes the individual as having a similar function, yet being part of a different group.  Think of it this way, your spouse may be different from you in many ways, but they share the same basic function in marriage – to meet the needs of their partner.  The two of you have the same tasks: walk with God, meet each other’s needs as a partner in the bonds of marriage.  This can sometimes seem rather obvious, but at the same time very challenging.  It is not uncommon to find a marriage where one spouse has become so self-centered that they cease to look out for the needs of their mate, instead they take whatever their spouse will give them.  Eventually, when a relationship is so one sided, when spouses are operating from a conflicting set of “functions,” the couple will find themselves drifting further and further apart.  If one is a giver and the other a taker you will have conflict.  And that is not the concept behind the counterpart imagery.  To be similar in function is to share the same goals and tasks.  We will explore this concept further in another post.

Fit Together or are Complementary – Another of the definitions for the word counterpart has to do with how they fit or work together.  When I first looked at this word the picture that came to mind was that of nuts and bolts.  In my tools out in our garage I have a collection of nuts and bolts.  Each nut is its own item.  Each bolt is its own item.  But they are best and most valuable when working together to fulfill a task.  They complement each other.  That is how our marriages should be.  When we see our spouse what we should notice is that though they are unique, they are also designed to compliment us with their uniqueness as we seem to make something new – a single entity called marriage.  One example of this complementary concept is found when God told this new husband and wife to populate the earth.  That was not going to happen had they both been male or both female.  They were each unique in their design but were complementary in their ability to fulfill the task.  They were a God made fit.

In our next post we are going to look at the final statment that God hade concerning mankind.  We will look briefly at God's statement and plan for the marital relationship.

And God Said (part 1)

Within the passages of Genesis Chapters One and Two there are some key statements that God makes which directly influence our marriages.  Each of these passages will be touched on throughout our experience together.  For now, let’s take some time and look at these statements and how they relate to us as couples.

A Statement of Image

Now, imagine just what God is saying here.  Mankind was to be made in the very image of God.  He does not say this about any other part of creation.  In man there was going to be something special.  Man was not evolved out of some lesser life form; God took the dust of the ground and formed man.  God breathed into man the breath of life; giving to man an eternal soul.  We are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” [Psalm 139:14]  Within this statement there are two truths that we must learn.

In His Image – The word used for God’s image here literally means to be in His likeness.  Now in this we find a challenge.  You are created to be holy and Godly in your behavior and attitudes.  How do you treat others, is it God-like?  How do you treat yourself, is it God-like?  Your attitudes?  How about your lifestyle? 

      If we are called to be in the image of God and to be like Him, then it is imperative that we understand and get a mental picture of who God is and what His character is like.  When we explore the descriptive words the Apostle John gives us concerning God we find that He is “light and in Him is no darkness at all.” [1 John 1:5]  In Scripture, light is used to describe holiness and the absence of the darkness of sin.  To be created in His likeness is to be created to “walk in the light as He is in the light.” [1 John 1:7]  John goes on to say that “God is love.” [1 John 4:8]  His description of the love of God is one of sacrifice and hope.  In the midst of our failure, God still loves us.  Perhaps we should remember that when our spouses fail us.  And the third picture of God is that He is “eternal life.” [1 John 5:20]  Now think about this for a second: God is life, without Him we would have nothing.  Look at the life God offers to you, and live it.  We are to be agents of the hope of life lived to the fullest.  God is life abundant and filled with joy.  When was the last time you were an agent of the fullness of joy in your home?  This picture of being in the image of God, of being Godly, was made very obvious to me some years ago in the following story.
 

He Created Them – The last part of Genesis 1:27 presents us with a key point that we sometimes forget in our marriages.  God did not just create the man Adam in His image.  God created both the male and the female in His image.  What makes this statement important is that when we look at our spouse we are challenged to see them not just as our mate, but someone who God created in His image.  We will discuss this concept in future posts a bit more deeply.  What we need to understand at this point is that your spouse was created in the image of God and is to be treated as such.  We talk about sin being when we rebel against God’s call in our lives.  If this is true, then when we rebel against and mistreat our spouse, we are also in sin.  Why?  It is because God created that person in His image.  Also, inherent in this statement is the reality that in the greater scope of creation these two were equals, both created in the image of God.

In our next post we are going to continue our look at the statments that God made concerning our need

for that person we call spouse.

A Marriage Of Relationships

With the understanding that we were created for and blessed with relationships we find the ultimate  re;ationship....marriage.  Obviously, marriage is one of the most notable, and challenging, relationships there is.  All the relationships of our lives will have a direct effect on our marital relationships.  The challenge in a text such as this is in how we can possibly siphon through the myriad of relationships that can influence our marriages.  Not all of us have living parents with whom our relationship influences our marriage.  Not all of us have kids, or demanding bosses, and so on, and so on.  So what I have tried to do is identify the four key relationships that all marriages that seek to be Godly marriages have in common.  Within each of these relationships we find the greater circle of the marital relationship. As I have worked to understand marriage I have come to realize that for our marriages to truly be “holy matrimony” there are basically three persons that will play a role in our marriage.  They are not only the husband and wife, but also the person of God.  The image just below gives a good illustration of the model from which we will be building. In the greater circle of the marriage relationship we find the overlapping relationships of God, husband, and wife. 

 

Throughout this blog we will take time to look in greater depth at all four of these key relationships.  I would remind you that each of these is vital if our home is truly going to be one in which there is Holy Matrimony.  The designed logo for this blog has three circles overlapping each other within the larger circle that represents marriage.  Whithin this representation of the overlapping circles we find four distinct regions.  One is the region where nothing overlaps, that area in which each of the marriage partners stand alone.  We will be referring to that region as the relationship that you have with yourself, or the internal relationship.  There is also a point in which the circles representing the husband and wife overlap one another, that is of course your horizontal relationship with your spouse.  A third distinctive region is the point where either the husband or the wife overlaps God’s circle in what is a vertical, or personal, relationship with Him.  The final overlapping region is the one where all three combine in the middle of the circle – that is the triune, or three-become-one, relationship that is vital to any couple seeking to have a fruitful Christian home.

And God Gave

Let’s travel back to the beginning of marriage. No, I am not talking about your wedding day. For many of us to be truthful, most of that day is kind of a blur. Rather, let’s travel back to when marriage first began. Travel back with me to the beginning of the world. In Genesis One and Two we find the story of God’s act of creation. When looking at these passages I came to ask myself a question: what was the greatest and first gift God gave to man? Within the Second chapter of Genesis there are five gifts from God that I would like to note.

The Gift of Life

Make no mistake about it; we owe our lives to the God of the entire universe. We did not evolve from some lower form of anthropoid. We are not some genetic mutation that happened over billions of years. We live because God designed us, formed our bodies and gave us life. This is vital to note because how we understand ourselves and our relationship to God will drive our choices and priorities. As we will explore in further posts, our relationship to ourselves and to God must be healthy if we are going to build a marriage that honors God and is blessed by Him. He designed you for a reason. He relates to you because you are special to Him. And He will actively guide, protect and bless your life and marital relationships when you understand that you owe life to Him and so must surrender to Him. While the gift of life is certainly vital and to be celebrated, it is not the greatest gift God gave to man; it was but a start to His promises.

The Gift of Substance

Genesis 2:8 tells us that God planted a garden into which He placed the man He had created. This garden has been described as one of the truly special places ever imagined. In this garden there was every tree that was pleasant and good for food. In this garden there was no violence or disease. In this garden there was peace and contentment. Yet, let us remember that the Garden of Eden was not God’s great gift to mankind, it was instead an environment that God gave man out of which man could grow and flourish.

When you look at your marriage and life remember that God will provide for you an environment from which to grow and flourish. Your home can be a Garden of Eden. But why did man lose the Garden of Eden? Basically, man got greedy and selfish. Adam and Eve wanted something more than what God had given them. And when they sinned they lost Eden. A good lesson for our marriages, for when selfishness enters into the marriage we will lose our Eden. No, the Garden was not the greatest gift; it was a place of substance in which man could flourish.

The Gift of Choices - The Trees In The Midst of the Garden

A third noteworthy gift God gave to man was His placing in the middle of the Garden two trees. One was the Tree of Life. In this tree they could find life everlasting. In this tree they could find hope and all the sweetness God had given to them. From this tree of life they could freely eat. The second tree was the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. In this tree the couple could find what it meant to rebel against God. For you see, these trees were not the ultimate gift from God; instead they were a test of man’s free will. Could we be satisfied with the fruit that God has given us? Or, would we feel that we needed more?

The fruit in and of itself was not the opening of their eyes to evil. What brought evil into their midst was when they chose to do what God had told them not to do. When they rejected God’s plan they understood evil and then they lost Eden. In our marriages, when we move out of God’s design and will about how we should relate to one another, we lose the joy God intended for us. Marriage is a tree of life from which we can find God’s fulfillment and blessings. A selfish rejection of God’s intentions for marriage is when we truly gain knowledge of good and evil within our home. The Trees were not the greatest gift God gave to man; they were God’s test.

The Gift of Responsibility

One of the challenges God placed before man was to care for the world in which we live. In the creation narrative we discover that God did not make life all rest and relaxation for man. Even within the Garden of Eden man was intended to work. There was an expectation that man would care for what God had given him. When did work become unpleasant and difficult? Once again, it was when man started to live in a state of rebellion against God’s will.

Now let’s bring this concept into our marriage. Marriage is a gift from God, and God intends for us to work at it, to do our part. The Garden of Eden was a place of life, and at the same time it was a place of responsibility. So often, troubles and hardships arise in marriage because one or both of the partners have stopped following God’s plan, they have stopped working for the success of their marriage. The world in which we live, be it the Earth or our home, is a gift from God, but it is not the greatest gift. Our world, or home, is God’s gift manifested as man’s responsibility.

The Gift of Relationships

 

The greatest gift God gave man in the beginning of time was to be able to experience relationships. When God created man He intended that man would live in relationships. The first of these relationships was with God Himself. We find in Genesis, Chapter Three, a reference to God’s walk in the cool of the evening where He was looking for Adam. Think about that for a second. God literally walked with man in a personal relationship. They had a vertical relationship that was viable and alive. Sadly, that relationship was damaged by man’s rebellion. The second relationship that God gave man was internal in nature. Man found that God had created him to be in God’s image. Now wrap your mind around that concept, we were created to be godlike, holy as He is holy.

In the midst of this life full of relationships God decided that man should not live alone, but rather have a relationship with a helper “comparable” to man. Out of this observation came the new dynamic of the horizontal relationship. With the great gift of the wife, man came to experience the greatest of horizontal relationships, a life shared with another. Once God had given man the relationship of a spouse He created a new kind of relationship, and that was the relationship that this couple would share with their Creator. I have come to call this relationship the ‘triune’ or what could also be referred to as the ‘three-become-one relationship.’  Throughout our journey together in this blog we will be exploring how all four key relationships can be what God designed them to be and thus, more fulfilling for our marriages.

And The Word Is?

The question was once asked; “Could you sum up all of Scripture in one word?” Needless to say this brought on quite a flood of possibilities. For some the answer was obvious; “Well, it is love of course.” After all, the gift of Christ was motivated by the love of God, who loved the world so much that “He sent His only born Son.” [John 3:16] The Apostle Paul speaks of being “compelled” by the love of God. Throughout the Bible we see God’s love at work. I had to agree that this sounded like an apt answer.

For others, the answer that came to mind was ‘redemption.’ Since the fall of man recorded in Genesis 3, God has been actively at work seeking to redeem man unto Himself. From the guidance of the Law to the great gift of Jesus; from the call to be His own “special people” to the call to evangelize; God is constantly working to bring man back into a state of reconciliation with Himself.

Still others said an emphatic ‘GOD.’ Let’s face it, Scripture is His story. In God’s word we find His acts of love and redemption. Scripture is a telling of God’s great faithfulness and grace even though we do not deserve it and often times refuse or at the very least neglect it. “In the beginning God….”

I found these answers to be quite thought provoking, along with the many other answers given. As I began to ponder this rather difficult question I came to a realization. All of God’s great love and all of His redeeming work were really for one key purpose, He desires to have a relationship with us. The work of redemption was so that our severed relationship can be renewed. The love given to the world in the person of Jesus Christ was so the price of separation could be paid and we could have a relationship with God. I have come to believe that Scripture can be summed up in the simple truth of relationship.

I then moved on to rephrase the question to ask how I would sum up all of life. And once again I came to the conclusion that the word “relationship” is still the key. Our lives are driven by relationships. We find them at home, church, work and at play. At home we may be seeking to relate to our children across what can seem an insurmountable generation gap. We work seeking to do our jobs in a way that our supervisors will approve. We even find relationships in our play, as the old grade school report card once said; “She works and plays well with others.” The list could go on and on about the many relationships that shape and even drive our lives. Life is full of relationships. God created you to not only have relationships, but to also thrive in those relationships; whether they are within yourself, with others around you, or with God Himself. To be in a relationship is, at its simplest form, a true God given need. 

The ultimate human relationship that God gave us, and even designed us for, is that of the relationship between a man and a woman in Holy Matrimony.  When you enter into marriage you have entered into a relationship which is ordained and meant to be blessed by God.  We will explore this concept further in later posts.