The Journey Before Us

“Unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.” [Psalm 127:1]

As a Pastor I have had the privilege to work with couples, individuals and families for nearly three decades. One of the truths that I have come to realize is that somehow, God’s role in marriage has lost some of what it was intended to be. I have come to the point where I have had to ask myself and any couple with whom I work; “where does God fit in?” Many times in marriage I will find couples in which the spouses may have their own separate lives of faith but yet they have somehow struggled with how to share their faith with one another in a mutual journey that celebrates God’s role in the home.

We are reminded by Christ that “God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.” [Mark 10:6-9] These two separate and unique individuals are also challenged to be one before God and grow in that unity.

As I struggled to understand why marriages fail, I have begun to re-examine the marriages that I have had the opportunity to work with, look at marriages that have failed, and study from some of the great marriage counselors of our day. For me two questions have become prominent. First, what were the reasons for the breakdown of the “love that would last forever?” Second, what can be done to equip couples to strengthen their marriages and avoid this marital disaster?

As I have examined the marriages of couples with whom I have worked and divorcees I have counseled and known, certain realities began to come to the front. In most cases I have found that they all shared the same four short-comings in their marriages, or strengths for those whose marriages have grown closer and more intimate. I have seen time and again how these areas have affected marriages and become convinced that they must be addressed for the sake of our homes and relationships.

The first short-coming was in how we deal with the expectations, desires, and needs of our spouses. In dealing with one young man in Mobile, Alabama who was going through a divorce, I asked him what were his wife’s dreams and desires in their marriage. He had no idea. They had never talked about those kinds of things. They had loved each other, wanted to serve God in the Church and its ministries, but they never got to know each other’s deepest heart and needs.

A second short-coming I have notice couples wrestle with has been open and intimate communication. In many marriages they may have talked about communication but had never been given the skills needed to truly share our desires, expectations and needs. They each talked, but rarely listened. In a recent survey and subsequent open discussion session I conducted with my local constituents, I asked about how they would rate their marriage communication skills. I found of note that the few individuals in the church who had been through divorce rated their marriages’ communication skills low.

The third observation I have made has been with the issue of conflict resolution. In dealing with one man in a previous church ministry, I saw how this skill, when broken down, can lead to deeper issues. When he and his wife, both highly educated, had problems arise within their marriage they retreated to their own divergent positions, and, since their communication skills were weak, they never dealt with the conflicts that arose. They would seek out others who would “back them up.” For him it eventually ended in an extra-marital affair, with someone who “valued his opinions.”

Most telling for me has been that, in each of the situations where I have dealt with failing marriages, there has been a lack of “spiritual unity.” We struggle with how to bring our faith into an active role in our marriage. It is not uncommon for a couple to rarely resolve conflict by looking to God and the lessons and principles found in Holy Scripture. They will manage to leave Christ in the background of their relationship. He may be part of their social religion and personal faith, yet He is rarely a part of their interpersonal relationship. As I have interviewed and counseled couples, I have seen this same pattern consistently emerging. While Christ is often important to the individual; the need becomes in discovering how to bring that personal faith into a three-become-one relationship of husband, wife, and God. It is my belief that as a couple builds a home that is led and guided by the Spirit of God, they begin to see a growth towards unity and cooperation; a growth towards a “Christ-like” relationship of giving and encouragement.

At the heart of every marriage there is the need to know how to have a vibrant relationship. So as we explore marriage together we will come to understand some of the various relationships that come into play in marriage. We will see how we can bring our internal relationship with ourselves in line with a horizontal relationship with our spouse that encourages the vertical relationship you each have with Christ as we find a shared relationship with God (don’t worry, this will all make sense as you experience the lessons within this journey). And as we begin to see growth in these four relationships (internal, horizontal, vertical and husband-wife-God) take place we will begin to discover unity. We can and will discover unity with our spouse, as well as unity as a couple with God in that three-become-one triune relationship that God intends marriage to be.

Within the pages and posts of this blog we will seek to explore the reality of Christ in the couple’s journey to understand each other; to involve the Spirit of God in communication with one another; to look to God and Holy Scripture for solutions and insights into marital conflict resolution. At the same time in our journey together we will seek to remain faithful to the teachings of God’s holy word as we look to Him for guidance in how we should relate to one another and to Him. This blog seeks to move beyond just how a couple relates to each other and into the realm of discovering how they can build unity between themselves and God in an ever growing intertwined relationship of oneness. We will explore how an attitude of seeing the marriage relationship as a ministry field to one’s spouse can enhance relational intimacy and marital growth. To know what your spouse’s desires, expectations, and perceived needs are is a good thing. To know how to communicate with your spouse is a valued thing. To find the tools to resolve conflict in marriage is a needed thing. To rediscover the role of Christ in marriage is a holy thing, where marriage is truly “Holy Matrimony.”