And They Said "I Do"

"I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I married you because you gave me a promise." She takes off her ring and looks at it. "That promise made up for your faults and the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married, and it was the promise that made the marriage."

– Spoken by Mrs. Antrobus to her husband.

(from Thornton Wilder's play “The Skin of Our Teeth”)

 It is a beautiful day. The birds are singing and the clouds are few. He has waited for this day for so many years. The wait has become especially intense over the last months since she said, “yes.” Over these long months they have planned and prepared. The flowers are ordered and the food prepared. The premarital counseling has been successfully, if not always comfortably, completed. His groomsmen are decked out in the finest of tuxedos and the bridesmaids are simply stunning in their specially ordered dresses. He checks, and yes, the best man has the ring securely accounted for. The minister is ready. The license is on hand. It is time. It is their wedding day.

As the doors in the back of the vaulted ceiling church open all his worries and concerns for the day and future are suddenly forgotten. Why? Well it is really quite simple, he looks and there she is. As their eyes meet he knows this is right and good. In her eyes he sees love unimaginable. Her flowing white dress seems to glow in the lights of the church. But its glow cannot compare to the beauty he sees in her face. She begins the slow methodical walk down the aisle and his heart begins to beat faster. This woman, this incredible lady has agreed to spend her life with him, and he feels as if he could fly to the sky. He wishes he could climb to the tallest building and shout for all to hear; “this is my beloved and she has chosen me.”

When the service is over he could not honestly tell you what happened. It was only later that he discovered that during the ceremony the flower girl was doing a wonderful little dance behind the bridesmaids. He did not even realize when he stumbled over some of his words. Yet even in the midst of all of this what has stuck in his mind is this one very stark reality – both he and she have said “I do.” I do promise to love you above all others. I do commit to honor and support you. I do vow to be with you until death does part us. This couple has pledged to each other, that before God, family and friends they will live in Holy Matrimony.

Perhaps this describes your wedding, or dreamed for wedding. But then again, perhaps it has not been even close to the real experience. One thing is certain though – we each enter into marriage with high hopes. In fact, I have never met a couple who shared with me the desire for pain, hurt, stress, and divorce when they came to their wedding day. We get married intending to celebrate our lives together. Your wedding day was the beginning of a dream. Our prayer is that the dream is wondrous and not a nightmare.

For any man and woman who have ever been married there is a reality that as beautiful, or as stressful, or as unremarkable as their wedding day might have been, the truth is that marriage is hard. It is a challenge and sometimes they might even wonder why they agreed to this. Yet, no matter how stressful our lives become there is a need to remember that marriage is something special, it is holy, and it is a God thing. And if marriage is truly a God thing, then perhaps He can enable us to experience Holy Matrimony as the gift it is.

As we delve into this exploration of experiencing Holy Matrimony I would like to help you understand some concepts that I am building on. Remember, as we begin this journey together, that I am writing to you as a Pastor who believes that God has something He wishes to teach your marriage. First of all since I believe that marriage is a God thing, I thus believe that we are called to be engaged in a Christian marriage. And so, the logical starting point is to come to an understanding of what is meant by a Christian marriage. Well, let’s break it down a bit. If I were to ask you what a “Christian” is, what would you say? You would be surprised at how many different answers I get to that question. To me it is really rather simple, a Christian is someone who has committed their life and heart to the Lord Jesus Christ. This is a person who has come to the point of realizing that Jesus died for their sins and that without a personal relationship with Him they are lost.  Being a Christian is not something you gain by genetics, nationality, or because of what your parents believe. A Christian is someone who has chosen Christ and accepts that with that choice there is the expectation that they will be a follower of Him.

As for marriage, well that is a simpler matter. Much has been made about what constitutes a marriage. People will debate the need for a constitutional amendment defining marriage. Others will debate with anyone who will listen that marriage is the joining of two people who love each other and are committed to one another, regardless of gender. But let me remind you, that marriage was created by God as something special, which we will discuss in another post in the days to come. And I have noted that in all the study and research that I have attempted to do in my copy of Holy Scripture it is always and invariably represented by the joining of a man to a woman. That may not be politically savvy and popular to many in our culture, but that is my understanding of marriage. So to me, marriage is quite simply the legal union between a man and a woman.

Based on these basic definitions and understandings of the meaning of both Christianity and marriage, it can be argued that a Christian marriage is “the legal union of a man and a woman in which a belief and discipleship towards Christ is evident.” The reality, however, is that, even in a marriage that professes Christianity, it is possible that one or more of the spouses may not be a practicing follower of Christ, or even a “born again” believer. They may be religious but not actually live in a growing relationship with Christ. Or, one or both of the spouses may be marginal in their belief and practice as a disciple of Christ. The possible arguments can become circular if allowed to do so. Although the arguments can become circular, we need begin with some point of reference. Throughout Scripture, most especially the writings of the Gospel accounts of the teachings of Christ, we see discipleship described in fairly stark terms. So, in order to have a starting point, this blog will approach discipleship as being defined as a disciplined adherence to the lifestyle taught by Christ. To do as Jesus did and to live as Jesus taught. Many Christians will find that they will struggle with this lifestyle or Christ-likeness; and understanding this struggle should be taken into account during the course of our journey together. This particular blog seeks to present marriage as a bond of two believing and practicing followers of Christ engaged in the journey of spiritual growth together.

When we are exploring what it means to be a Christian marriage we must understand that this definition by its very nature must be a three way relationship. In Psalms 127:1 we read that “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it….” Sometimes we lose sight of the simple fact that marriage is a gift from God, designed as a holy institution. God has a vested interest in seeing your marriage grow and thrive. I guess you would have to say that God is a member of your marital team. Not only that, He is the only one with all the answers.

To put it more succinctly, Christian marriage must be understood to be a three-way bond: husband, wife, and the Lord. All three are intertwined in such a way that to leave out one or to ignore the importance of one of the participants is to greatly reduce the strength and vitality of the marriage bond. During our journey through the posts and pages of this blog we will operate under the belief that Christian marriage is realized in a kind of “New Math of the Christian Home.” This home is comprised of a Husband + Wife + God = ONE. The three become one.