And They Said "I Do"

"I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I married you because you gave me a promise." She takes off her ring and looks at it. "That promise made up for your faults and the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married, and it was the promise that made the marriage."

– Spoken by Mrs. Antrobus to her husband.

(from Thornton Wilder's play “The Skin of Our Teeth”)

 It is a beautiful day. The birds are singing and the clouds are few. He has waited for this day for so many years. The wait has become especially intense over the last months since she said, “yes.” Over these long months they have planned and prepared. The flowers are ordered and the food prepared. The premarital counseling has been successfully, if not always comfortably, completed. His groomsmen are decked out in the finest of tuxedos and the bridesmaids are simply stunning in their specially ordered dresses. He checks, and yes, the best man has the ring securely accounted for. The minister is ready. The license is on hand. It is time. It is their wedding day.

As the doors in the back of the vaulted ceiling church open all his worries and concerns for the day and future are suddenly forgotten. Why? Well it is really quite simple, he looks and there she is. As their eyes meet he knows this is right and good. In her eyes he sees love unimaginable. Her flowing white dress seems to glow in the lights of the church. But its glow cannot compare to the beauty he sees in her face. She begins the slow methodical walk down the aisle and his heart begins to beat faster. This woman, this incredible lady has agreed to spend her life with him, and he feels as if he could fly to the sky. He wishes he could climb to the tallest building and shout for all to hear; “this is my beloved and she has chosen me.”

When the service is over he could not honestly tell you what happened. It was only later that he discovered that during the ceremony the flower girl was doing a wonderful little dance behind the bridesmaids. He did not even realize when he stumbled over some of his words. Yet even in the midst of all of this what has stuck in his mind is this one very stark reality – both he and she have said “I do.” I do promise to love you above all others. I do commit to honor and support you. I do vow to be with you until death does part us. This couple has pledged to each other, that before God, family and friends they will live in Holy Matrimony.

Perhaps this describes your wedding, or dreamed for wedding. But then again, perhaps it has not been even close to the real experience. One thing is certain though – we each enter into marriage with high hopes. In fact, I have never met a couple who shared with me the desire for pain, hurt, stress, and divorce when they came to their wedding day. We get married intending to celebrate our lives together. Your wedding day was the beginning of a dream. Our prayer is that the dream is wondrous and not a nightmare.

For any man and woman who have ever been married there is a reality that as beautiful, or as stressful, or as unremarkable as their wedding day might have been, the truth is that marriage is hard. It is a challenge and sometimes they might even wonder why they agreed to this. Yet, no matter how stressful our lives become there is a need to remember that marriage is something special, it is holy, and it is a God thing. And if marriage is truly a God thing, then perhaps He can enable us to experience Holy Matrimony as the gift it is.

As we delve into this exploration of experiencing Holy Matrimony I would like to help you understand some concepts that I am building on. Remember, as we begin this journey together, that I am writing to you as a Pastor who believes that God has something He wishes to teach your marriage. First of all since I believe that marriage is a God thing, I thus believe that we are called to be engaged in a Christian marriage. And so, the logical starting point is to come to an understanding of what is meant by a Christian marriage. Well, let’s break it down a bit. If I were to ask you what a “Christian” is, what would you say? You would be surprised at how many different answers I get to that question. To me it is really rather simple, a Christian is someone who has committed their life and heart to the Lord Jesus Christ. This is a person who has come to the point of realizing that Jesus died for their sins and that without a personal relationship with Him they are lost.  Being a Christian is not something you gain by genetics, nationality, or because of what your parents believe. A Christian is someone who has chosen Christ and accepts that with that choice there is the expectation that they will be a follower of Him.

As for marriage, well that is a simpler matter. Much has been made about what constitutes a marriage. People will debate the need for a constitutional amendment defining marriage. Others will debate with anyone who will listen that marriage is the joining of two people who love each other and are committed to one another, regardless of gender. But let me remind you, that marriage was created by God as something special, which we will discuss in another post in the days to come. And I have noted that in all the study and research that I have attempted to do in my copy of Holy Scripture it is always and invariably represented by the joining of a man to a woman. That may not be politically savvy and popular to many in our culture, but that is my understanding of marriage. So to me, marriage is quite simply the legal union between a man and a woman.

Based on these basic definitions and understandings of the meaning of both Christianity and marriage, it can be argued that a Christian marriage is “the legal union of a man and a woman in which a belief and discipleship towards Christ is evident.” The reality, however, is that, even in a marriage that professes Christianity, it is possible that one or more of the spouses may not be a practicing follower of Christ, or even a “born again” believer. They may be religious but not actually live in a growing relationship with Christ. Or, one or both of the spouses may be marginal in their belief and practice as a disciple of Christ. The possible arguments can become circular if allowed to do so. Although the arguments can become circular, we need begin with some point of reference. Throughout Scripture, most especially the writings of the Gospel accounts of the teachings of Christ, we see discipleship described in fairly stark terms. So, in order to have a starting point, this blog will approach discipleship as being defined as a disciplined adherence to the lifestyle taught by Christ. To do as Jesus did and to live as Jesus taught. Many Christians will find that they will struggle with this lifestyle or Christ-likeness; and understanding this struggle should be taken into account during the course of our journey together. This particular blog seeks to present marriage as a bond of two believing and practicing followers of Christ engaged in the journey of spiritual growth together.

When we are exploring what it means to be a Christian marriage we must understand that this definition by its very nature must be a three way relationship. In Psalms 127:1 we read that “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it….” Sometimes we lose sight of the simple fact that marriage is a gift from God, designed as a holy institution. God has a vested interest in seeing your marriage grow and thrive. I guess you would have to say that God is a member of your marital team. Not only that, He is the only one with all the answers.

To put it more succinctly, Christian marriage must be understood to be a three-way bond: husband, wife, and the Lord. All three are intertwined in such a way that to leave out one or to ignore the importance of one of the participants is to greatly reduce the strength and vitality of the marriage bond. During our journey through the posts and pages of this blog we will operate under the belief that Christian marriage is realized in a kind of “New Math of the Christian Home.” This home is comprised of a Husband + Wife + God = ONE. The three become one.

The Journey Before Us

“Unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.” [Psalm 127:1]

As a Pastor I have had the privilege to work with couples, individuals and families for nearly three decades. One of the truths that I have come to realize is that somehow, God’s role in marriage has lost some of what it was intended to be. I have come to the point where I have had to ask myself and any couple with whom I work; “where does God fit in?” Many times in marriage I will find couples in which the spouses may have their own separate lives of faith but yet they have somehow struggled with how to share their faith with one another in a mutual journey that celebrates God’s role in the home.

We are reminded by Christ that “God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.” [Mark 10:6-9] These two separate and unique individuals are also challenged to be one before God and grow in that unity.

As I struggled to understand why marriages fail, I have begun to re-examine the marriages that I have had the opportunity to work with, look at marriages that have failed, and study from some of the great marriage counselors of our day. For me two questions have become prominent. First, what were the reasons for the breakdown of the “love that would last forever?” Second, what can be done to equip couples to strengthen their marriages and avoid this marital disaster?

As I have examined the marriages of couples with whom I have worked and divorcees I have counseled and known, certain realities began to come to the front. In most cases I have found that they all shared the same four short-comings in their marriages, or strengths for those whose marriages have grown closer and more intimate. I have seen time and again how these areas have affected marriages and become convinced that they must be addressed for the sake of our homes and relationships.

The first short-coming was in how we deal with the expectations, desires, and needs of our spouses. In dealing with one young man in Mobile, Alabama who was going through a divorce, I asked him what were his wife’s dreams and desires in their marriage. He had no idea. They had never talked about those kinds of things. They had loved each other, wanted to serve God in the Church and its ministries, but they never got to know each other’s deepest heart and needs.

A second short-coming I have notice couples wrestle with has been open and intimate communication. In many marriages they may have talked about communication but had never been given the skills needed to truly share our desires, expectations and needs. They each talked, but rarely listened. In a recent survey and subsequent open discussion session I conducted with my local constituents, I asked about how they would rate their marriage communication skills. I found of note that the few individuals in the church who had been through divorce rated their marriages’ communication skills low.

The third observation I have made has been with the issue of conflict resolution. In dealing with one man in a previous church ministry, I saw how this skill, when broken down, can lead to deeper issues. When he and his wife, both highly educated, had problems arise within their marriage they retreated to their own divergent positions, and, since their communication skills were weak, they never dealt with the conflicts that arose. They would seek out others who would “back them up.” For him it eventually ended in an extra-marital affair, with someone who “valued his opinions.”

Most telling for me has been that, in each of the situations where I have dealt with failing marriages, there has been a lack of “spiritual unity.” We struggle with how to bring our faith into an active role in our marriage. It is not uncommon for a couple to rarely resolve conflict by looking to God and the lessons and principles found in Holy Scripture. They will manage to leave Christ in the background of their relationship. He may be part of their social religion and personal faith, yet He is rarely a part of their interpersonal relationship. As I have interviewed and counseled couples, I have seen this same pattern consistently emerging. While Christ is often important to the individual; the need becomes in discovering how to bring that personal faith into a three-become-one relationship of husband, wife, and God. It is my belief that as a couple builds a home that is led and guided by the Spirit of God, they begin to see a growth towards unity and cooperation; a growth towards a “Christ-like” relationship of giving and encouragement.

At the heart of every marriage there is the need to know how to have a vibrant relationship. So as we explore marriage together we will come to understand some of the various relationships that come into play in marriage. We will see how we can bring our internal relationship with ourselves in line with a horizontal relationship with our spouse that encourages the vertical relationship you each have with Christ as we find a shared relationship with God (don’t worry, this will all make sense as you experience the lessons within this journey). And as we begin to see growth in these four relationships (internal, horizontal, vertical and husband-wife-God) take place we will begin to discover unity. We can and will discover unity with our spouse, as well as unity as a couple with God in that three-become-one triune relationship that God intends marriage to be.

Within the pages and posts of this blog we will seek to explore the reality of Christ in the couple’s journey to understand each other; to involve the Spirit of God in communication with one another; to look to God and Holy Scripture for solutions and insights into marital conflict resolution. At the same time in our journey together we will seek to remain faithful to the teachings of God’s holy word as we look to Him for guidance in how we should relate to one another and to Him. This blog seeks to move beyond just how a couple relates to each other and into the realm of discovering how they can build unity between themselves and God in an ever growing intertwined relationship of oneness. We will explore how an attitude of seeing the marriage relationship as a ministry field to one’s spouse can enhance relational intimacy and marital growth. To know what your spouse’s desires, expectations, and perceived needs are is a good thing. To know how to communicate with your spouse is a valued thing. To find the tools to resolve conflict in marriage is a needed thing. To rediscover the role of Christ in marriage is a holy thing, where marriage is truly “Holy Matrimony.”